“If you want to grow and be free to explore life, you cannot spend your life avoiding the myriad things that might hurt your heart or mind”. [The Untethered Soul; the journey beyond yourself. Michael A. Singer]
There has been an overload of cyber bullying bulletins in the news for the past few weeks, as teenager suicides are directly linked to online bullying. A quick search on Google for cyber bullying, comes up with a plethora of results relating to children and young adults, and yet this is a topic which afflicts people of all ages and from all countries who have a social media presence.
Last Christmas I received a beautiful set of family photographs from a lovely friend on Facebook, who lives in the States. At the same time she let me know that she was reducing her presence in most of the groups and forums where she had been active, because of comments from other members which were unkind, untrue and left her feeling marginalised and as though the world had turned against her.
A few months ago, another friend lamented on her status that she loved her job, but felt that being the sole employee in her own very successful business, which relied heavily on internet marketing and social media, made it hard to make meaningful friends. A long phone call over a bottle of wine later, it transpired that she too had been marginalised in a group; in a discussion on professional practice, she’d been made to feel the odd one out. Several personal emails from others in the discussion, reassured her that her opinion was valid – but – these same people asked her to understand that in the public social media arena, they would back the holders of the opposite opinion, as those people were perceived to be “the cool ones. The movers and shakers in that group”. By taking that position, that resulted in this friend being left without anyone to ‘talk’ to within that group.
I’ve experienced the selective ‘cutting and pasting’ of words sent by private email, being published on Facebook, without context but with a few choice words of the poster’s own – and then being blocked so no response could be made. When this resulted in seeing about 6 ‘friends’, with whom I had never had a single cross word, also blocking me in order to be seen to be sympathising with the publisher of the selective cutting and pasting, together with being blocked from a group whose creator had been the same person to advise on communicating to the Facebook ‘cutter and paster’ in the first place, I realised that the word ‘friend’ in the virtual world, has a very different meaning to the definition in the real world.
This all happened long enough ago for me to put it to the back of my mind and to form a new way of operating and communicating online. Until a friend (a real one) mentioned a pointed comment which had been left on a blog post; cleverly worded to avoid any accusation of nastiness. Only the fact that she too then experienced blocking and un-friending by the writer of the comment and several of her collective friends, underlined that the comment had indeed been designed to cause tears, hurt and sidelining.
Because my business is photography, all my personal experiences of this topic have come through this field. A very wise friend with a lot of industry experience, once told me that she thought this would be because photographers have a creative ego. And that ego can blot out all normal and socially acceptable behaviours. But although this may be part of the reason, I cannot accept that a creative mind excuses behaviour which results in complete unhappiness. It might drive professional jealousy -as in the case of one photographer who had such a terrible experience second shooting a destination wedding in unused to very high temperatures, that she then let everyone she knew who would also be second shooting that season in the same situation, that it was the main photographer herself who was the problem. Something much more fundamental must be fuelling this subtle cyber bullying amongst adults as it is not confined to photographers alone. A small business client of mine, was shocked to find her product brand and therefore her business ethics, being publicly shredded on a public page on Facebook.
Many of the perpetrators of the subtly bullying comment and subsequent blocking and “sending to Coventry” share some traits: very low self esteem, zero confidence in body image, debt, relationship breakdown, incurable illness, arbitration of customer complaints and depression within the family home are the shared traits which spring instantly to mind. None of these have any direct link to being a photographer, or practitioner in any other creative profession. None of them are valid excuses to behave in a way that ensures the person on the end of the action feels as miserable as the bully. They are all though, used as reasons for the bully to obtain sympathy and backing. And, possibly, fear from others that if they don’t go along with the bully, they will be accused themselves of being part of the cause of the significant problems in the bully’s own life. Someone saying to someone in fear of their life through illness, that they behave in a despicable manner, is likely to feel they would draw down huge condemnation of their own opinion and therefore character in that regard.
I am not going to excuse myself as an angel, or say that online we should all fall into line and agree with everything everyone else is saying. I become passionate about subjects and can bring heat into any discussion. I can, and have done, flare up and say things which I later regret – and apologise for. But I haven’t, and don’t, participate, or condone, the “sending to Coventry” (or ‘blocking’ ) of anyone, just because someone else has told me they deserve to be blocked. I don’t send emails many months later (which yes, has also happened), accusing someone repeatedly of an action which they haven’t taken. I don’t name in any public forum, my personal grievances with individuals. I don’t repeat these actions to the extent that the recipient feels so hopeless that they state they “don’t want to be here”. I don’t name individuals who have a different opinion to me and tell the world that their opinion is invalid and worthless – and so are they.
The bullying, does not have to be active to be bullying behaviour. Those who stand to one side and allow the bullying to take place, by saying “I just want to concentrate on my life” or “I don’t want to get drawn in” – are perpetrating the unhappiness as much as the active participant. If someone can’t stand up and say “No, that’s wrong. It is immoral to not consider the consequences of your words and actions on another’s mental health and quality of life”, then they are guilty of tacit yet unspoken agreement.
As for me, well, I’ve requested no further communication via my personal email. This year I have concentrated on what is really important and good in my life. My children, my partner, my parents, my photography, my writing. I’ve developed new online relationships with new boundaries – and I’ve firmed up old ones by becoming real friends in the real world. I’ve taken a good mental step back from where I was. I’ve seen the behaviour that was turned on me, now being turned on others in turn. And I’ve seen the people who behave that way, group together in the real world and present themselves as unprofessional and, in some respects, rude and dysfunctional.
And I turn around and refuse to let it touch me.
Your comments would be very much appreciated on this important subject. Please leave them below. And then move to the next in the Sisterhood Circle, lovely Audrey. Thank you x
Bullying has so many levels, and we tend to focus on the obvious. But the subtle one, the one that seems to go unnoticed hurts just as well. I applaud you for writing it all, without taking the route of the naming game and back stabbing. It's an eye opening post xox
whilst i haven't experienced bulling i have realized that my confidence in my work on any given day is linked to my time on fb in particular … stepping away from the virtual world is important in every way. thanks for sharing. xx
This is an incredible post and I congratulate you for it! So very well shared xx Catherine Connor
Beautifully written Boo and something that I seem to be witnessing more and more in groups. When I see it happen, I have always just left the group thinking I want to avoid the negativity but this has made me think that maybe I should speak up. A difficult call. Its good to reflect and think about. Jo x
First your photography is lovely, I so enjoy the picture of the pups by the water. Adorable! I have not had an experience with cyber bullies yet, I do know what it feels like to have self doubt because of the internet. I too have to remove myself at times and remember what is the most important in this life. great post about a hard subject!
Oh shoot – I just wrote a fabulous articulate amazing reply and I get an "oops, try again" message! Blah!
I was trying to say that this is a great post. That over the many many years I have been a part of the internet, and part of mainly women groups on the internet, that it is sad we can be our best support along with being the best enemy.
Keyboard (or lack of face to face contact) "friends" can breed disrespect and lack of loyalty.
This, of course, not only happens in photography groups but groups of all kinds – from parenting groups, to book reading clubs. My very good friend runs an flourishing online homewares and antique business – the nastiness in her 'circles' are also surprising and horrid.
I find that I don't get involved anymore in online nastiness – mostly due to the fact that I rarely pick up on the undercurrents in groups until something implodes and I am left thinking "what the??". So, there are some of us who stay silent – not because we don't care to become involved but because (in the words of Sergeant Shultz from Hogan's Heroes, we "know nuffink"
As I get older (and I have just turned 50) I choose to not be nasty or condescending and I choose to be a good friend to my peeps. Professional or personal.
Kate Geikowski – http://www.curiousrabbit.com.au (because I don't have any of the login options required to post which is weird!)
Thanks Kate. I just changed the log in options, as there were a couple of bitter "anonymous" replies. For those who "know nuffink"- how peaceful! And I hope I made it clear in this post that I too had stepped aside – until a close friend found herself at the receiving end of this treatment, and I "knew sumffink" (!) about it!
There was also a bitter response to this post, where the author had the bravery to leave their ID – so I was able to privately send a reply – and a few extra words to the add to the very little they had, which had informed their opinion. This is a serious subject. And it is so, so sad, that some see it as a signal to name call, to call down "karma" and to mock. Interestingly, as an avid reader, I have always found it far easier to remember someone's writing style than their name. So even though Anon would not like to be publicly identified as the authors of their words, a writing style is as individual to a person as their fingerprint.
Conversely, I have also received many private messages today over this post. All of them thanking me for bringing this topic up. These messages are anonymous to the public, but thank you for taking the time to read all the words, and to write to me.
Thanks Jessica! You have no idea how long it took to get my dogs to sit for that photo! x They are the worst tearaway dogs in the world; but we love them.
Ah Laura – You must always be confident in your beautiful work. It really is unique and very lovely. x
Catherine, you are an incredible friend. Thank you xxx
Thank you Isabelle. It was very difficult to write, as the naming and back stabbing is a game I don't want to participate in. x
Sometime Jo, it;s good to speak up. At other times, speaking up will be turned against you. Its a difficult balance and yes a very difficult call – but I always try to do what I feel to be right. If I reflect and decide I did it wrong, then I always attempt to apologise.
Beautiful post and photos, Boo. I hadn't really thought about cyber bullying before, but now that you mention it… I guess the internet opened up a lot of possibilities with a somewhat anonymity. Very sad.
I couldn't agree with you more! You experienced the unpleasant and learned some valuable lessons from it. As you said, you're focusing your attention on family and other important matters. Great job and great photos! 🙂
This post really touches me, Boo. I have been bullied when I was a child and, in different ways, also when I was in my teens. Being a swot at school was apparently my only fault, though I'm sure it also helped that I had my own ideas and didn't feel worse than others because I was not wearing designer clothes and the like. I have never experienced on-line bullying, but I'm pretty sure it can cause the same problems and make you feel just as bad as when you get it from "real" people. You definitely did the right thing, focusing on the important things in life is the perfect answer to those who waste their time and energies over this. You are a lovely person and a great photographer – and that's what only matters to me. If some people don't like you or have a wrong idea about you… it's their loss. Not caring about their opinion is the only thing to do, and trust me… it will hurt them! xox